What you mean to me

AISG Winter Formal

I want to talk about friendship because this is something I struggled with for a long time. "Friendship" sounds like a fairly straightforward topic. Everyone knows what's a friend. We value friendship. We seek good friends. We like friends. What's there to say, right?

I was going through Facebook today and saw a post that said, "I'm going to delete everyone. If you want to stay as my friend. Please reply. This is a test of friendship."

This little post made me really sad. I'm not trying to criticize, rather, I want to draw attention how my friend must have felt at the time he posted this. In a moment of loneliness and human weakness - when we feel down and it seems that no one cares - we began to question, "is there anyone out there that really cares?" "Would people notice if I disappear?" "Who is my true friend?"

AISG, China

And if we further evaluate, it will seem to us that we have almost next  to no friends. Yes, we may have a couple hundreds of "friends" on Facebook or some of us may even have a couple thousands. But how many do you talk to... we won't even say on a weekly basis here. How many of them talk to you at least once a year? How many knows what you're studying or where you work? How many knows if you're married or which continent you're on right now?

Then we come to the harsh reality that most can't. I can be honest, out of my few hundreds of friends on Facebook, probably only about 50 can answer those questions. I'm not the type that likes to add every single person I've ever met on Facebook. I try to keep it to people who really do know me for more than one night at a party. And yet, I still have a good handful of people on Facebook that I don't even remember how I know them or what their name is (even though it does say it on their profile).

SIS China Trip - Xin Jiang

At this point, do we start to wonder at the shallowness of our friendships? I had a friend in school, who always told me that friendship in university is superficial. Everyone acts like they're your best friend and then they graduate and suddenly you're not that important.

Within days, they move and fall off the face of the earth. You don't ever hear from them again except when you see an announcement on Facebook that they're getting married. He hated it. He said he always try to keep in touch but people would just stop replying. How can they call themselves a "friend", if they can't even find time to reply a message?

Freshman Year Roomie!

I've pondered on this a lot. As you can see scrolling down this post, I've been blessed with a lot of friends. My family moved a lot growing up. For my three years of high school, I went to three different high schools. Every year at school was a new set of friends - different culture, different interest, different expectations. As I moved, I found it really hard to keep in touch with old friends. We were too far apart. I couldn't keep up with what was happening in their life and they didn't understand what I was doing half a world away. There were less things to talk about and eventually, our only contact became a "happy birthday!" on Facebook each year.

First friend to visit me in Taiwan

I struggled with this growing up. I felt like these friendships became kind of meaningless. What's the point of really becoming friends when you know in a matter of months, you're going to go your separate ways and never talk to each other again?

I like my friends. I value my friends. I need my friends. But I began to question the fundamentals of a friendship. Are they all just shallow connections? Do people come together for the benefit of the moment and then simply part ways when the benefits subsides? Or am I somehow socially challenged and unable to make friends?

Am I a horrible friend because I've asked you what you're studying three times and always forget? Does not being able to keep in touch mean you're not a "true friend"? And then I have some friends, who comes looking only when they need help. I am non existent until they need someone to look over their English resume and suddenly, I was their best friend again. We haven't spoken in five years but oh, you're coming to visit Taiwan. I should totally show you around!

BYU Pastry Kitchen Crew

To be honest, that bothered me. It bothered me because I didn't understand the meaning of friendship. I wanted to "real" friends and I couldn't understand why I seem to be unable to find any. And yet, I myself have a hard time keeping in touch with friends I truly care about... it's like a death cycle that I trapped myself in. I would remember a friend that I haven't talked with for ages. I would message then and get updated. Then I would think, "oh, what's the use? I'll forget or get too busy soon anyway."

And then at times of depression, I used to go through my Facebook friends and delete them out of spite. I haven't talked to you for three years and I don't even remember your last name *delete* I've only talked to you twice in my life and I don't remember what either of the conversations were about *delete* Who are you? I don't even recognize your picture *delete*

Japan Study Abroad

What a stupid, immature thing I did.

I have friends all over the world. They live on every single continent. They speak languages I don't understand. I have friends who dropped out of high school and friends in their 7-year-long med school. I have friends married with two kids and friends who's never dated. Some of them lived with me. Some traveled with me. Some worked with me. Some only knows me for a couple of months, some knew me as a little kid. We've had hard times together. We partied hard together. We laughed and cried and made memories as I grew up.

Only now, as I look back, do I realize. This is the meaning of friendship. We are imperfect people in a very busy world. Let's face it. It's impossible to keep track of everyone's life and talk to all of them and tell them about all the important things in your life. I care about you but maybe I don't really care about what you ate for lunch today (although, a lot of you probably had turkey.)

BYU Junior Year Roomate

And that's okay.

My dear friends. You mean the world to me because of the memories we've had together. We had fun together. We learned from each other. When I needed help, I know I could turn to you. If you ever needed help, you can always count on me.

I don't believe friendship is defined by how well we know each other or how often we keep in touch. Friendship is not defined by the distance between us or time apart. It is not altered by our different beliefs or life experiences. We are friends because at one point, we were lucky enough to walk the road of life together. 

And so I'm okay if you don't remember my birthday because I don't remember yours either. I'm okay if you only come talk to me when you come visit my city because I would probably do the same if I ever end up in your city. It's perfectly okay that you don't know what's going on with my life. Although I think I would be a little sad if you look at my photo and couldn't remember who I am.... then maybe we're not really friends. We will be.

BYU Asian Ward

Dear friends. You are a wonderful, valued, beloved and important person. You are a great friend. You mean the world to me even though I haven't talked to you for five, ten years.

So please, don't go deleting friends at a moment of impulse. Don't close the door just because they haven't been around to say hi. Don't burn the bridges because of a few cobwebs on it.

We care. Sometimes, we are simply too busy. Maybe, we're just imperfect.

I used to look at pictures of old friends and feel sad about the friendships I lost. Now I look at the same picture and I am grateful for the friends I have.

Childhood Friend

It has been privilege to meet you all. I am grateful I lived in your city. I visited your home. I learned to eat your food and speak your language.I am grateful I got to travel and be part of your life.

I'm thankful for the friends who never gave up on me in the past. Thank you for always writing me a message even when I didn't get around to replying. Thank you for always willing to chat even when we had nothing to talk about. Thank you for staying in touch across the ocean and years. Thank you for your example and patience.

And then I had a few dear friends... who parted ways on a less than happy note. We fought, we argued and left a gaping wound between us. There were misunderstanding and maybe some jealousy. There were things we regret doing and a lot of things we regret saying. There are friends whose Facebook I can no longer see. There are friends who photos brings a sting to my heart.

Ukraine Kiev Mission

I won't say I wish those things could be undone. From even the most painful memories became lessons that make me who I am today. But if I could, I wish I could tell you I'm sorry, for the bad memories we have. If I ever get a chance, I hope we can be friends again. For surely, it only hurts so much because we cared so much. You were the closest friends and that's why it was so hard to say sorry and forgive.

Even so, you're still an important friend.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a friend and we were on this topic. I told them my social life consisted of these mere twenty people at church. I didn't grow up in Taiwan. I don't have high school friends here or neighbors that grew up with me. I don't even have cousins in the same city.

"Isn't it kind of lonely?" she asked.

Yes. It is a little.

Ukraine, Kiev Mission

Sometimes it's a struggle to live in a city and know so few people. Friends are harder to come by when you are out of school. A few close colleagues and chance encounters, maybe. You don't get to meet 30, 40 people of the same age all at once - well, except in church. There're no place that you have to report to every day and spend 8 long hours together. There's no one going through the same struggles you are going through.

But living in Taiwan for an year, taught me what my friends mean to me. It taught me what friendship is. I began to write in this blog because I finally learned this.

Taiwan

I wish I could be with all my friends but that's really not possible because they're all over the world. I don't even get to Skype most of you because of the time difference and I'm always at work when you're online.

But if one day, I become rich and have nothing better to do with my money and time. I will fly around the world and visit every single one of you!

My dear friends. I love you all and Happy Thanksgiving! 

Taoyuan Second Ward YSA